A Certain Grumpy Troll
by Xorn
Summary: In Which a Troll Finds Himself Stranded on an Alien Planet, Following his Near Death at the Hands of His Ex-Moirail And Ends up Staying in the Home of a Human who Recently Moved From Her Former Respiteblock. Featuring One Mutant, A Number of Psionic Powers, a Highblood Killing Spree, a Number of Cross-Species Romances, the Evangalism of Quandrants, And an Inordinate Number of Daves
1. Arrival

Fair Warning: This fic features Karkat in a prominent role. As such, expect a whole lot of swearing.

* * *

Karakat roared in anger as he leaped across the flaming remnants of Harley's house, raising his sickle to finally kill the damn clown. But just before he landed his strike, he felt a hand grip his shoulder and-

_He jumped, stretching, trying desperately to pull Terezi down from where she was hanging from her own noose where Gamzee had strung her up, tears streaming from his eyes as the light left hers and-_

Karkat shook off the chucklevoodoo just in time to feel the sharp pain in his chest as Gamzee jabbed Terezi's cane neatly through the circles in his sign. He fell, shocked into the lava wracked with burning pain as the flames scorched his skin. He reached his hand upwards and-

There was a flash of blue light as Egbert appeared above him and gripped his outstretched hand.

* * *

*ZAP*

* * *

Mikoto sighed as she waved goodbye to her friends. Moving out of the dorm to an apartment had been difficult work, but it was worth it if it meant not having to put up with Kuroko's crap all day every day. Not that she didn't enjoy Kuroko's company, but after several years she was sick of being groped literally every day. She walked back into her new apartment and-

* * *

*ZAP*

* * *

"-OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! WHAT THE NOOKCHAFING FUCK? WHERE AM I? OH GOD, MY CHEST HURTS. OW."

Mikoto dropped her remaining bags at the sight of a gray skinned boy with horns desperately gripping his chest, trying to keep his candy red blood from oozing out. She rushed over to him, frankly flipping the fuck out.

"Eh…? Who are you? What are you doing here? Does this have to with the magic side? Is that idiot related to this somehow?"

The troll ignored her as he attempted to "do the bloody thing," hoping that his worthless aspect might actually have some use.

"…holy shit. He missed all of my vital organs. Heh. How's that for motherfucking miracles, Gamzee!? Ha! HAHAHAHA! …motherfuckin' miracles."

Mikoto knelt next to where he was lying, addressing the clearly hysterical horned boy.

"Hold still! I'll go call an ambulance! Don't shout so loud, you'll only cause more damage."

Karkat turned towards the girl kneeling to his right.

"…who the flying fuck are you? Where am I?"

Mikoto ignored his loud questions, calling up the hospital on the phone.

* * *

Mikoto opened the door to the hospital room, addressing the boy that had appeared in her room.

"The Gekota doctor said you should be resting."

Karkat scowled in response.

"I still have no idea where the nookchafing fuck Egbert sent me, who you are, or even what year it is."

Misaka sighed at his barrage of questions.

"You're in academy city, the most advanced city on the planet, made up almost entirely of students and teachers. The city was created to develop Esper powers. As for me, I'm Misaka Mikoto, #3 level 5 in all of Academy City. In terms of the date, it's April 2nd, 2009."

Karkat's eyes widened when he heard the date.

"Fuck. Is this Earth?"

"What?"

"The planet, fuckass. Are we on planet Earth?"

"Um… yeah…?"

Mikoto watched as the boy's face turned a slightly paler shade of gray and red beads of sweat began rolling down his face.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck… Sburb. Is there a game coming out, called Sburb?"


	2. Chapter 2

Karkat grumbled as he changed the wet towel on Misaka's feverish forehead. Why did humans have to be so fucking squishy!? Seriously, a light breeze was usually enough to knock one over. Thousands of years of being infected with the same lame human disease, and the flu still hadn't been eradicated? What were the human Docterminators playing at!? NOT medicide, that's for sure. But then again, since when were humans good for anything other than "friendship" and "love" and other squishy human emotions like that?

Take Misaka for example. She had known absolutely nothing about Skaianet and Sburb. It took weeks before he was able to get access to a computer long enough to find out that Skaianet industries had burned to the ground a little over a year ago, and all of the data regarding the Sburb project had been wiped from its servers. After his discharge from the hospital, he had been more or less railroaded into freeloading off of Misaka, lest the government notice his presence and deport and/or dissect him. Of course, her insistence not to rely on her parents for income, coupled with her absolute inability to keep a part-time job for more than a week without causing some sort of "electric accident", led to them very nearly being evicted. Karkat was forced to publish, using a pseudonym, the shitty romance novel he'd been trying to write. He'd been forced to include an introductory guide to the quadrants and Alternian society in the appendix, but for some reason the book was a smash hit. Of course, the complicated steps he took to preserve his anonymity led to him receiving such a tiny margin of profits that he still barely had enough cash left after paying rent to feed the two of them on ramen. He'd tried to convince Misaka to just ask her ridiculously rich family for cash, but her pride kept her from doing so. Seriously, if she had any more pride, she would be on par with that white text douchebag. It was that bad. So yeah. Humans were worthless.

Karkat stepped out onto the balcony out back to get some fresh air. He realized he was ranting again. His brain was addled, he was pissed off, and Misaka needed to stop being so pitiful. Platonically speaking. Definitely platonically. Karkat heard a gasp from his left, and turned to see a silver-haired girl in a nun costume looking at him from the next door balcony, with her mouth wide open. He wasn't wearing his hoodie, was he. Or any of his other "please don't cull me I'm a human like you" outfit. Which meant that this little girl was seeing his horns, grey skin, and yellow eyes.

Fuck. Gotta play it cool.

"It's impolite to stare, dumbass," said Karkat, exposing every single one of his razor sharp teeth.

The girl screamed as she ran into the apartment.

"TOOOOUMAAAAA! There's a demon next door!"

Well shit.

* * *

Touma sighed as he followed Index to the door of the apartment next to his. Admittedly, he still had yet to meet the new resident of the apartment next door, but he doubted they were demonic, or anything of that sort. Odds are it was just some otaku cosplaying an obscure shonen manga. The resident of the apartment finally began to answer the door, and Touma turned to Index.

"See, Index? You were mistaken. This person is just a completely nor-"

Touma's words died as his brain registered the person standing before him. The guy was almost a head shorter than him, with scraggly black hair, bags under his eyes, and scowl plastered across his face. He was wearing a grey hoodie, but Touma could still clearly see his grey skin, glowing yellow eyes, and nubby horns peeking out from beneath the hood.

"Toooumaaaaa!" whined Index as she hid behind him.

"Horns..." muttered Touma as he stared at the guy in front of him.

"Spiky hair." replied the the guy in front of him as he flipped him off. "Now did you actually need something, or are you just here to gawk like a pair of assholes?"

Touma quickly recovered from the shock, replying to the demon-looking kid.

"Um, yeah... I realized that we hadn't properly introduced ourselves to you as your neighbors. So, that being said, my name is Kamijou Touma, and this is Index."

"The fuck? The gift of gab must be malfunctioning. sounded like you said her name was Index."

Index pouted at his response.

"That is my name! Index Librorum Prohibitorum at your service!"

The Demon kid frowned.

"Index of Forbidden Books? That's a really shitty name."

Index stuck her tongue out at him.

"I bet it's better than your lame name!"

"Fuck you, my name's awesome!"

Touma facepalmed. Couldn't they just get this introduction over with?

"Then how about you tell me your name, Demon guy! Or are you afraid, knowing that if I know your true name, I have total control over you!?"

"Okay, first: I'm a Troll, dumpass. Don't just stereotype people based on their appearance. Second: If you can control me just by knowing my name, WHY THE FLYING FUCK WOULD I TELL IT TO YOU!?"

Kamijou was about to try to calm him down when he saw a familiar face walking out from the bedroom.

"Karkat, stop yelling at the TV. They can't hear you, you know!" said Misaka Mikoto, who was wearing only an oversized Gekota shirt. She opened her mouth to say more, and then immediately closed it, seeing Kamijou Touma at the door.

"Biri-biri?" asked Kamijou, staring at Misaka with a hint of a blush rising to his cheeks. Her face, already red from her fever, turned even more ridiculously scarlet.

Touma felt the wind being knocked out of him as Karkat tackled both him and index to the ground, narrowly avoiding the railgun fired off above them.

Karkat leapt to his feet, rushing to catch Misaka as she collapsed, shouting all the way.

"Dumbass! If your going to join the 'I want to murder Karkat' club (currently made up of my ex-moirail, the empress herself, two omnicidal demigods, and of course whatever shitty deity decided to give me this stupid mutant blood), at least wait until you've recovered from your lousy human disease, you bulgefondling fuckwit!"

The Troll turned to Kamijou and Index.

"Don't just stand there like a pair of nookwhiffers! Help me move her to her bed."

* * *

Karkat sighed as he sat down with Kamijou and Index across the table from him.

"Alright then. Super asshole question rumpus time! I'll go first. That name. Index of Forbidden Books. What the shit is up with that?"

"I can't tell you tha-"

"She's got a bunch of magic grimoires memorized."

"Touma! What if he kidnaps me for access to the books!?"

Karkat sighed.

"I don't want anything to do with magic. Not after what happened with Eridan."

Touma gave a puzzled look. "Time for my question. Who's Eridan?"

Karkat looked away from him. "A friend of mine... I guess. I fucked up and didn't keep an eye on him. He got killed."

A small period of silence followed his statement. It was Index that broke it.

"I have a question! What's short-hair doing here!?"

Karkat gave a bemused smile. "Short-hair? If you mean Misaka, I'm the one who's technically freeloading off of her. Even though I'm the one paying all the bills because she can't keep a job worth shit."

Kamijou was again puzzled. "I thought she was an Oujo-Sama. She shouldn't have to work to pay her bills."

Karkat groaned at his statement. "Believe me, I tell her the same thing. But she insists that she wants to stop leaning on her parents for income."

Their conversation was interrupted when Misaka entered the room, sitting next to Karkat. She had changed into a normal outfit, although she was still a little red. She turned to address Touma.

"What are you doing here, idiot?"

Kamijou was about to respond when he was cut off by Karkat.

"Apparently, he found out you were sick and came to see if he could help out."

Kamijou wasn't sure why Karkat was lying to her, but he figured it might just be his attempt to calm her down.

"Index apparently came along to, and I quote, 'prevent idiot Touma from doing lewd things'."

Karkat watched as Misaka glanced away sheepishly, formulating a stuttering response. He gave a slight grin. Fucking called it. She's flushed for him.


	3. Chapter 3

Karkat stomped down the street, hauling his groceries. He still wasn't exactly sure how Yen converted to Alternian Caegars, but he was pretty sure he was being robbed. And then that moron at the cash register had the gall to get upset when he drew the Cancer symbol on the "sign here" line. What the hell had he been expecting from him.

Karkat's attention was drawn to a commotion in a nearby alleyway. Some douchebags had surrounded a pair of girls, and seemed to be demanding cash from them or something. It wasn't his problem. Until one of them screamed for help. One of the thugs punched her, but the damage was done. If he didn't help now, he was an accomplice. And Karkat had better things to do than go to jail. Misaka was planning on introducing him to her friends today, and he didn't want to upset her by being late.

Karkat sighed as he knocked the heads of the two thugs closest to him together, knocking both unconscious. He ducked to dodge the swing of an iron pipe, and countered with an uppercut that knocked its wielder flat onto the ground. He turned to the remaining two chumps, only to see that one of the dunkasses was pointing a gun at him. He rolled his eyes and captchalogued the pipe rolling along the ground, launching a chair out of his sylladex. The chair splintered and broke to pieces as it crashed into the gunman, who fell still. Damn. He loved that chair.

Karkat gritted his teeth as the pieces of the chair floated up into the air, with the pointy splinters facing towards him. Goddammit. Of course the one guy he hadn't taken out was a telekinetic. Level two or three by the look of strain on his face. The douche hurled all the fragments of the chair at him. Karkat responded by running straight at the largest piece and using it as a stepstool to launch himself over the debris. his foot collided with the Esper's face with the satisfying crack of his nose breaking.

"Easier than a shitty imp with Sollux's prototyping," muttered Karkat as he walked back to the entry of the alleyway, dropped the shitty pipe, and captchalogued the groceries in his newly free captcha card. He began making his way down the street towards Tokiwadai, but was stopped when one of the girls, who had short hair with some arrangement of flowers in it, he helped called after him.

"Um...thank you!"

Karkat rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

The other girl, who had long hair, stood in front of him and poked him square in the chest.

"Listen, you helped us out, so we'll treat you to a meal."

Karkat sighed. "Listen, I'm in a hurry right now. I've got someone waiting on me, and she's gonna be seriously pissed if I'm late."

The girl in the headband turned to her friend.

"Saten-san, stop bothering him! You don't want to make him late for his date!"

Saten gave a shocked and embarrassed glance back and forth between her friend and Karkat, then bowed, slightly flustered.

"I'm so sorry! Please, you should go!"

Karkat pondered his situation for a few seconds, and then responded.

"Actually, it's just my neighbor trying to get me to fucking socialize. She thinks that by introducing me to her friends, she can get me to come out of my shitty loner shell. Hell, why not, I'll go with you guys. Her friends are probably all douchebags anyways."

"Eh?"

* * *

"So let me get this fucking straight. You decided to walk through back alleyways on your own. Why in the everloving FUCK would you choose to do that!? Have you never even heard of the concept of muggings!?"

"Of course I have! But I also heard this rumor about a serial killer who roams the back alleys of Academy City! They call him the Car-"

"Of course! Because that makes so much goddamn sense! Not only are you walking through the most likely location for a crime to occur, you did so because you wanted to see a FUCKING SERIAL KILLER!?"

"Eh!? Saten-san, you didn't tell me that!" yelled Uiharu, shocked.

Saten just smiled and waved off the questions. "Relax, it's just an urban legend! Just a bit of harmless fun!"

Karkat performed the famous facepalm x2 combo. "As one who has actually had his best friend go completely shithive maggots and try to murder him and all his friends, I would firmly group serial killers in the 'not fun' category of things! But what the fuck do I know?"

Karkat's phone rang, and he answered it.

"Yeah, I ditched you. Just figuring that out now? What was that you said about being at the top of your class?"

"..."

"Well, after I beat the shit out of some group of thugs, these two girls offered to treat me to a meal for helping them out."

"!"

"Yeah, I know. I figured your friends would be douchebags anyway, so I decided to go with them, because they seemed reasonably okay."

"..."

"All alone with her? I thought you said you had more than one friend."

Saten felt a feeling of dread settling in the pit of her stomach as she began connecting the dots.

"!"

"Jegus fuck Mikoto, no need to scream my eardrum out."

"..."

"Oh, I- hold on just a motherfucking second. Can you repeat those names?"

"..."

"No, not Kuroko. I've heard that name enough to remember it. Those other douchebags you mentioned."

"..?"

"God fucking dammit."

Karkat pulled the phone away from his ear.

"Sorry for inadvertently calling you two douchebags. Seriously, I'm such a collossal fuckup."


End file.
